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oh geez!!!   
06:27pm 10/05/2002
 
mood: confused
music: the Boy Meets World Theme song
what do i do??

jeff just imed me...we were talking and he asked me how i was and i said good you and he said good now that u and i have been talking lately...

im not totally sure if hes serious yet

i dont really want him to be

first of all...been there...done that

second i kinda have this thing goin with andrew

i dont wanna hurt him...i know hes been hurt a lot lately and im flattered...i really am...i gave him a chance before and i realized he wasnt for me...and i kinow weve both changed and i should give him a chance...i dont know

i also said something stupid...he asked me whats with all the flirting lately and i was just about to leave to go eat dinner and i said i flirt with a lot of guys...and its the truth but i shouldnt have said it so bluntly and he said well go eat then...i feel horrible...

i like andy so much and i think im kinda scared of a relationship so much because i dont wanna get into a relationship and be in it when i go to camp when ill be with andy...i think thats whats making everything so hard...but i dont wanna be with jeff so that cant be a reason

i dont wanna hurt him...i think thats the biggest problem here		  
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in the music room bored as ever...   
08:27am 08/05/2002
 
mood: bored
music: ms. foust singing really bad
right now im in the music room listenin to man man, jon sample, katie, trish, and jackie talkin....its pretty funny

OMG THONGS ARE SO ANNOYING...they give me wegies

anyways....i talked to andrew last night...he told me he would get me a 25 cent ring from on of those machines for my bday...im soo excited...only 8 days until im 16....my sister told me she was gonna give me her car but i think she was jokin...

phil imed me last night too...i was really hyper...i was imin people i havent talked to in forever...i told phil i couldnt picture him bein hyper because he looked stoned all the ime...it was funny...i guess you had to be there...

i have to remember to send shirra a get well card... she got into a really bad car accident last weekend....i feel really bad that i havent gotten to see her...

i havent gotten a reply back from ryan yet and how long ago did i send him that...he came to the softball game on friday when we were watchin varsity play...he sat on chels who was sittin right next to me...he did not say one word to me...why do i like him so much...why do i even try...

8 DAYS!!!!!!!		  
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ugh   
07:58pm 10/04/2002
 
mood: frustrated
music: ashanti "foolish"
i set myself up to be hurt again....i know i did...i sent ryan an email which i also did with matt last year...well i havent gotten a reply back...and im scared...matt imed me and told me he only anted to be friends and i should have known not to let myself fall into the trap again...but i like him soo much...everytime i see him my stomach tightens up and i get butterflies and then after i realize hes not something im gonna get to have...and that hurts...i know how bad i hurt after matt and i know how hard it was to get over him...he told me in like sept or oct and it took me til january to stop liking him...and then when i think of what i went through with him i begin to feel unwanted and not good enough for anybody...and then on top of everything my coach decides to give third base which was my starting postion to someone else and moves me to center field...i want to play third so bad and i just want another chance but......i dont know...i dont even care about this anymore...all i can think about is ryan and its killing me...i mean i thought i was finally getting over him and then one night i had this dream where we were together and happy and the next day all these feelings came flooding into me and i couldnt eat that day and i was soo sad the rest of the day and i just wish someone would give me a chance to prove that i can be a good enough girlfriend...or softball player...or actress...i just wish my life was different and then i dont...i mean theres that cliche that says never frown because you never know whos falling in love with your smile and i want to believe that there is someone out there who wants me but so many guys have rejected me already that i just cant...and it hurts so bad inside...		  
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lonliness   
10:07pm 15/03/2002
 
mood: depressed
music: Eve 6 "here's to the night"
im feel so lonely right now...i dont have a boyfriend or anyone that i know of that actually wants to be with me...to tell you the truth im not sure i even have real friends...i cant actually say that i can hang out with my friends...well i can hang with trish and i could hang with caitlyn but things got screwed over for her...maybe im embarrassed by my friends...i went to see the play tonite...it was called makin it and it was about all these high school students just trying to survive high school...i could relate to so many of those characters...there are so many guys that i want to be with but i just dont know how to talk to them...im not popular but i wanna be...i just want to be wanted...thats all...i grew up with a lot of the people in my school and they know what i used to be like and they cant...or wont...accept the fact that ive changed...and i want so much to be accepted...i want a boyfriend...i want the kind of friends who always are doing something and want me to come...my friends are actually always doing something but they never invite me...once you have a reputation its hard to change it...mine is the little nerdy, smart girl...thats how eveyone remembers me from elementary school and middle school...and we were talking about the play in english today and i said that you cant just go from being nothing to really popular and someone said yes you can...so many people did it in middle school...and i know that ive changed from middle school to high school but i also changed from elementary school to middle school and that didnt happen to me...i was and still am a nothing and i couldnt change that status...so all those people that changed their status werent nothings because i am the proof that it cant happen...and i just have to accept that i am never gonna be pretty enough or good enough to hang out with the popular people...it just wont happen and thats really hard for me to accept...it wouldnt be so hard if i had a guy who liked me for me and accepted me...that would give me so much confidence and i wouldnt need to feel that way i feel now...i hate being different and to tell you the truth i think i hate the person i am...		  
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omg!!!!!!!grrrrr   
08:48pm 05/03/2002
 
mood: angry
music: j.lo and la rule"aint it funny"
geez luise.......i cant believe chels did what she did...she went ahead and blame me for not being able to go to practice on friday...yeh its the day before competition...and yeh we arent ready but she just blamed me...i cant help it that this trip was planned when it was...shes pretty much the only one whose doing it too...i am just so mad... ok enough about that...ryan looked so hott today...i wish that he would just ask me out...but knowing my luck with guys ill just get hurt today...i am soo exhausted...i am just so tired from softball then cheerleading...too much stress...well im out		  
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09:53pm 04/03/2002
 
mood: exhausted
today was a semi-good day...i actually cant believe what happened...ms foust asked me to be in show choir...im soo excited...but what didnt make sense to me was that she asked me to be in it and then made me try out...there were 3 spots open and she asked me and another girl lisa to take them and then she gave it an open audition for the third spot but then made me try out...but she didnt make the other girl lisa try out...now i made it but it didnt make sense...she asked me to be in it and then what would have happened if she hadnt chosen me...whatever...ugh this week is so busy for me...i go to school..then go to softball right after school and thats done at 5:30 amd then i have to be back at the school at 6 for cheerleading...im scared about our competition on saturday...were not ready yet...we keep saying were gonna do good but im not totally sure i believe that...o well we can only hope and try...well im out		  
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sometimes   
09:33pm 03/03/2002
 
mood: crushed
music: Pink "Dont Let Me Get Me"
i dont know what it is but sometimes i just feel like im not good enough for anyone...this year ive just been rejected by everyone...to start with matt has just been a royal asshole to me...i think ive finally stopped liking him though...he makes me feel like im not good enough to be with him...but ya know its his loss...if he gonna go around asking my friends out on my birthday and stuff hes not good enough for me...well thats what i wanna believe...but with so many other things goin on i sometime just cant...and then theres matt from ptown... hes just...there is no harsh enough word to describe him...why is the only thing guys want sex...i will never know...im so scared that everything that has happened with me and guys before is gonna happen again with ryan...im so scared he gonna reject me just like the rest of them...all i want is someone who will just care about me...and be there for me...yeh i have friends who care about me but i want something more...ive made the first move by sending him a rose on valentines day now its his turn...i guess...im really confused...i sometimes find myself wishing i were someone else...its like that pink song "dont let me get me"...docter docter wont you please precribe me something.....a day in the life of someone else...i dont know...i just really hope things will work out for me		  
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  nccooljt
 
 

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